Daddy or Chips?

*NOTE TO AMERICANS* Greetings Americans. The following article contains funny things, based on a television (that’s the box that tells you what to do you eat your dinner around) advert, for a popular brand of sauce that posed an interesting question - Daddy or Chips? I won't say which brand of sauce unless one of their representatives contacts me with free stuff. It also contains the British use of the word 'chips', which you call 'fries'. Much in the same way, what we call 'football', you call 'bananas', and you don't like to play. Now, on with science!

Britain had the question of Daddy or Chips just launched at us by saucy people and expected us to just deal with it. Many couldn't, and support groups are available across the country. It startled me when I first saw the ad, and watched the innocent young child debate the question over a period of a few days, which through the miracle of television and mutated snails, lasted about 30 seconds. Her verdict was "Chips!" though I forget why. Possibly her Daddy didn't like her.Skip forward a few months later, and I'm travelling around New Zealand, as is my custom. I'm sitting alone in the lounge of the Lake Tekapo YHA (youth hostel) enjoying the fantastic view, and the question again popped into my head - Daddy or Chips. I've now returned to Northern Ireland ,determined to put the matter to rest once and for all, in the name of science. And comedy. Hopefully without the use of sacrificial goats, though they are on standby if necessary.
Debating on how to make my study fair, I pondered on how to have equal measurements of Daddy and Chips, in weight. Of course, having 21 stone of chips is just far too cumbersome to use, so I decided on using only the Hand Of Daddy (TM) and the equal weight in Chips. I suggested to myself, and I took note, that using oven chips is cheating, and not the way we do things in Northern Ireland, so I prepared some Chips of my own using potatoes, our national bird. Praise be, I was ready to begin!

TEST ONE - The Smell Test
For the first test, I placed the Chips into a Tupperware container (now gopher free), and placed it next to the freshly washed Hand Of Daddy (TM). I then invited three "volunteers" to smell each, blindfolded, and give their preference as to which smelt better. They were not permitted to handle the subjects. I would observe closely and record the results.Volunteer No 1, Mr Michael Station, from 4 The Burrows, Salford, has an interest in Mahogany furniture and gerbil licking. Having smelt both subjects intensely, he decided on Chips as being the smell he preferred.Volunteer No 2, Miss Vanessa Hayse, from 91 Dormat Street, Coleraine, likes pressing kittens and has aligned herself with The Dark Side. Smelling the Hand Of Daddy(TM) first, then the Chips, she returned to the Hand and sniffed deeply for many minutes. "I would like a cup of tea" she proclaimed and walked into a door. Blindfold, you see.Volunteer No 3, Brother Andross, a passing Monk from the local brethren, favoured us with his opinion. "Chips!" he said confidently, only needing a few seconds sniffing each subject, and returned to his life of celibacy, pausing only to ask for a Jaffa Cake. Nice fellow.
The Smell Test - Chips wins!

TEST TWO - The Touch Test
Deciding more volunteers would be hard to come by, particularly with the frequent police patrols now mysteriously cruising the area, I would conduct the rest of the tests myself. This test would see me handle the Chips and the Hand in a manner of different ways, to see which is most pleasing. Hand - Demanding the Hand be freshly washed before our experiments began made the Hand soft and subtle, and also warm. Turning it over I discovered one side to be hairy, the other smooth. "A-ha!", I said to myself, "A contradiction! And also an 80's band making a come back." Part of the Hand was revealed to contain smooth shiny parts at the end, which were stuck in place by some mystical force, and a band of gold around one finger. A lucky find.Chips - As the Chips were plentiful, getting them all in one hand proved tricky. I did find the way they kept spilling through my fingers pleasant though. The surface of each chip was smooth yet rough at the same time, with sharp points on some. They were also hot and burnt my fingers. Bad chips!
The Touch Test - Hand wins!

TEST THREE - Wind Resistance
The elements would see me right. I placed the Chips into the Tupperware container (on loan from the Mummy Collection) and in a manly, never confused way, took the Hand, and its owner, Daddy, outside into the back yard. We waited there for two days as the wind built to a certain speed and began the test. Thrusting the Hand of Daddy into the air, at a 45 degree angle, I left it there for a period of two Earth minutes. Upon its return to its natural position, I observed the Hand to be cold, difficult to manipulate and one of its fingers raised still. I noted these effects.Now for the Chips. Using my own hand, I held the Chips aloft and two minutes were now counted by the cup of tea grasping Daddy. Perhaps his watch was broken, but it felt much longer than two minutes my hand was raised, but the Daddy assures me it was only the scientifically observed time allotted. Bringing my hand down, I observed the Chips. Nothing happened to them, no wearing away by the constant wind, no change in colour, or no change in speech patterns. Making note of this, I declare the Hand the winner, as it still retained most of its original functions.As an interesting side effect, a passing bird now considered my shoulder its new home during the experiment. Never pitched in for the tea though.
Wind Resistance - Hand wins!

TEST FOUR - Gravity

Gravity is cruel mistress. It keeps things on the ground, space up there and was discovered by apples. It now faces its greatest challenge - Daddy or Chips!Step One - Ascend the stairs to the second floor of the house, taking the Hand and Chips with me.Step Two - Open a window. Careful now!Step Three - Drop 'em!Sadly, this test turned out to be a little one sided. The Chips obeyed the laws of gravity, and fell to Earth with no problem whatsoever. They even made rather nice splatting sounds as they hit the ground. The Hand however, refused to fall. Attempts to detach the Hand from the Daddy were met with a smack around the ear. Alas then I was unable to record a result for the Hand. By default...
Gravity - Chips win!

TEST FIVE - Taste Test

The final, and ultimate test, was the Taste Test. I would consume some Chips, and an equal amount of the Hand, and see how the flavours would dance on my tongue. Glass of water at the ready for sipping between each sample, and some sauce for flavour. Seeing as how it was the sauce that started this whole thing, its only fair it gets a look in. Chips first - Using a freshly made batch of Chips, but keeping it fair with equal weight, I popped a Chip into my mouth. Warmth, crispiness and lack of acid were all things I was looking for, and was not disappointed. I then ate another chip after dunking it in sauce first. Tangy. Sauce is good with Chips. As is fish, but that wasn't the point of the experiment.Now, the Hand - Having been assured by the Daddy that Hands are better served raw, I made my preparations.Biting into the Hand, I received a sudden pain in the side of my head, and also noticed a loud scream. "Odd", I thought to myself, so decided to try again. Again, pain, and scream. Deciding it would be better not to attempt this again, I analysed the results I had gathered so far. Taste-wise, The Hand didn't taste very nice. Too salty. The texture wasn't pleasing on the tongue either. I did note with some interest that the Hand provided its own sauce, but was watery and did not enhance the flavour. A disappointing final result for the Hand.
The winner - Chips!

So there you have it. I have proven scientifically that the little girl from the saucy commercial was right - in the question Daddy or Chips?, Chips win. I am disappointed with the results however, as I neither got to blow anything up, nor did I receive any complementary bottles of sauce. Also, all photographs taken during the experiment have since disappeared, including that rather fetching one of your sister in her bikini. Don’t have a sister? It was your gran.

Sesame Street - 20 Years Later

Life, unfortunately, doesn’t always turn out the way one expects. Take That split up, Michael Jackson is found not guilty, and Reality TV STILL won’t die. One thing endures though – Sesame Street. We’ve watched it since our child hood, and it’s still there. Let’s imagine though, just for a moment, that Sesame Street was taken off the air, cancelled, never to entertain or educate again. What would happen to the cast that we have loved and adored since….1969? Wow. Didn’t think it was that old. Top scientists have been given a really hot cup of tea and spent many weeks on a hypothesis. Want to read it? Course you do. You’d have stopped reading after the third sentence otherwise. Make words go now!

Cookie Monster –
Secretly feeding his addiction by cleverly making it part of the show, earned this ex-President the nick name “Cookie Monster”. Cruel behind the scenes experiments, only recently revealed after a former cast member came forward, gave him his blue furry coat and bulging eyes. Attempts to control this were made by strapping him down after every show and administering liquefied ‘cookie drops’ into his eyes. A country wide ban on entering any food store, the show now cancelled, and his only source of cookie abruptly cut off, Cookie Monster took to working the streets to feed his habit.
LAST SEEN – In a public restroom cubicle, heating up cookie dough in a spoon, a syringe lying on the floor.

Bert + Ernie –
It was no secret that Bert + Ernie were kids TV’s first gay couple, having met on the show. It started innocently enough, they did a few sketches together, but soon their relationship bloomed. No mention was ever made of it on the show, out of respect, and fear of, you know, violence, death, that sort of thing.When the show ended, they were already living together, but both Bert and Ernie now found themselves out of work. Ernie decided to stay home, and look after the house, while Bert went out to find a job. He eventually did, at a toothpick factory, sticking warning labels on packets. He worked long hours, and would come home cranky and irritable. He turned to the bottle, and would usually arrive at work drunk. Unable to ignore it any longer, his new boss fired him when he turned up so wasted, he was carrying a pig under his arm, with the explanation of “bringing home the bacon”. Angry and upset he staggered home, and got into an argument with Ernie, which ended with Bert slapping Ernie. Ernie packed his bags, and left, Bert crying and pleading with him not to go all the while.
LAST SEEN – Ernie now writes a successful problems page for gay muppets in the New York Times. Bert cleaned himself up, and holds seminars on the effects of drinking in primary schools.

Big Bird –
One of the most popular cast members, it didn’t take Big Bird long to find work. He was recruited as a spokesperson for the environment by the Mayors Office in New York, and promised to “clean up Central Park”. Big Bird spent many years in office, but sadly died in 2039, when he ate some bad seed that exploded in his stomach. The newspapers ran headlines claiming he was assassinated; he was too close to something, and the CIA planted the seed, in order to get him out of the picture. Nothing was ever proven. A memorial bird bath was erected in Central Park, with the inscription “Made in Canada”. Makes you think…

The Count –
Personally I always liked The Count. I thought he was funny, and immensely quotable. Once the show ended, he spent a little time entering state fairs, counting the number of beans in a jar, that sort of thing. He even won occasionally. Prizes included a stuffed ferret, a lifetime supply of wienerschniztsel, and a small Pilipino child named Keith! Soon the thrill of competing died off, and he decided to embark on the biggest challenge of his career – counting the number of particles in his own body. He closed his eyes, and has never opened them since. He was found, hanging upside down in his dressing room, and all attempts to revive him failed.
LAST SEEN - He currently resides in Labtec Psychiatric Hospital, and just sits there quietly, his lips moving ever so slightly. Listen closely, dear friends, and you can hear him counting still.

Elmo –
It is no surprise to anyone reading this that Elmo become a crime lord once Sesame Street ended. He was already running a highly successful drugs syndicate among the crew, Grover being one of his regular customers. After the show was terminated, he scaled up his operations. Moving into armed weapons, he was easily able to establish contacts in the Middle East, and his slave labour factories began springing up all over Weston Super-Mare. Now making millions of dollars every year in illegitimate gains, he did the unthinkable – he bought out Microsoft, and his stranglehold on the world tightened. No one dares oppose him; he is now untouchable, kinda like MC Hammer. He’s a Reverend now you know.
LAST SEEN – No one sees him. NO ONE.

Mr Hooper –
He died during the show. You didn’t see that one?

This is only what could happen to some of the characters. It’s a horrid glimpse into the future isn’t it readers? However it is only one possible future. It doesn’t have to be like this. The only way to prevent it I suppose is to continue to watch Sesame Street, so the networks don’t dare take it off the air. And if it does happen, well, it might not turn out like this. Maybe…

The sport of kings.

I intend to use this blog to post all current articles, reviews and any other crimes against humanity through writing I choose. That being said, here is the first attack:

The New Zealand Story!

No, you haven’t traveled back to 1989. I speak of course, of the country of New Zealand. It’s not quite enough to strike fear into the hearts of grown men, but this innocent little country has a lot to answer for. Though many of us hadn’t even heard of it until The Lord of the Rings. Well you hadn’t, had you? I’ve recently come back from New Zealand and I’m going to share my experiences with you all. Let’s do it!

New Zealanders are a confused people –
New Zealanders are more commonly known to the rest of the world, and themselves, as Kiwi’s. Any country that considers their people a fruit, is asking for it. I jest of course; they are actually called Kiwi’s because of their native bird, which can’t fly. So they paint it on their air force jets.


New Zealanders like to try and kill themselves –
Everywhere you go in New Zealand, if you want to have “fun”, you must attempt to kill yourself, and pay to do so. Luckily, with the exchange rate of $47 NZ to one goat, it is much cheaper to do this than in the UK. Popular pastimes include skydiving (most popular amongst women, as you are strapped tightly to a good looking young man for the duration of the jump), Zorbing, where you get inside a giant inflated golf ball and roll down a large hill; bungee jumping, where you jump off a perfectly safe platform with an elastic band tied to your leg; and finally, Real Life Frogger (or RLF) where you ‘hop’ across a busy motorway to reach the other side, or ‘riverbank’. The National RLF championships are held once every four years, once they’ve built up the numbers a bit.

New Zealanders eat invisible fish –
I swear this is true. Every year, hundreds of fishermen sit at the side of rivers, with a net in the water facing the direction of the tide. Invisible fish, or ‘whitebait’ swim into the net, and are caught. Only when the net is emptied into a frying pan and the fish cooked, do they become white. They are then turned into pancakes, to be eaten. Some fishermen have used chemistry to increase their chances of a good catch, by covering themselves in fish pheromones and standing just behind the net. When asked how much this increased their haul, fishermen were heard to utter “Some.”

Rugby –
This is a warning: never, under any circumstances, talk to a New Zealander about rugby. I made the mistake of doing this while in Wellington, and only managed to escape thirty-one hours later by shouting “Look, an Australian is eating your dog!”. There is only one thing Kiwis love doing more than playing rugby, and that’s the chance to abuse an Ozzy. Or a Sharon. I asked a passing magician about this, and he replied “Well someone has to pay for Ramsey Street, don’t they?”

Wizards –
Forget Hogwarts. New Zealand has its own real life magician. He is the Christchurch Wizard, and he can be found in the town square, everyday, dispensing advice and the Big Issue. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass, so I asked him the question that has plagued mankind since the early nineties – just how DOES Kevin Costner keep getting work? The old man smiled at me, tapped his finger to his nose knowingly, and then sold me some postcards and a lucky rock. And do you know what? I haven’t been mauled by a giraffe since.

Maoris –
The Maori are the indigenous people of New Zealand, before ‘Whitey’ came along and stole all their land from them, due to a typo. Since then, the Maori people have accepted the White Man as just one of those things, and tried to live along side them. They did try eating them once or twice, but didn’t like the taste, and went back to Chocolate Digestives. The Maori people are very good at the national sport of rugby, and form 80% of the national team, the All Blacks. At each game, the team performs the Haka, which is designed to scare their opposition. In response, the white people perform the Fandango, which has thunderbolts and lightening and is very very frightening. Indeed.

So to conclude the New Zealanders are a simple, peaceful folk, until they get a leather bound ball in their hands, at which point an escape plan is necessary. I urge you to visit, and sample many of the delights I did. Also, try to find the answer to the question I could not: just where DID Peter Jackson’s weight go?P.S Before you ask, Old Zealand is off the coast of the Netherlands.