Sesame Street - 20 Years Later

Life, unfortunately, doesn’t always turn out the way one expects. Take That split up, Michael Jackson is found not guilty, and Reality TV STILL won’t die. One thing endures though – Sesame Street. We’ve watched it since our child hood, and it’s still there. Let’s imagine though, just for a moment, that Sesame Street was taken off the air, cancelled, never to entertain or educate again. What would happen to the cast that we have loved and adored since….1969? Wow. Didn’t think it was that old. Top scientists have been given a really hot cup of tea and spent many weeks on a hypothesis. Want to read it? Course you do. You’d have stopped reading after the third sentence otherwise. Make words go now!

Cookie Monster –
Secretly feeding his addiction by cleverly making it part of the show, earned this ex-President the nick name “Cookie Monster”. Cruel behind the scenes experiments, only recently revealed after a former cast member came forward, gave him his blue furry coat and bulging eyes. Attempts to control this were made by strapping him down after every show and administering liquefied ‘cookie drops’ into his eyes. A country wide ban on entering any food store, the show now cancelled, and his only source of cookie abruptly cut off, Cookie Monster took to working the streets to feed his habit.
LAST SEEN – In a public restroom cubicle, heating up cookie dough in a spoon, a syringe lying on the floor.

Bert + Ernie –
It was no secret that Bert + Ernie were kids TV’s first gay couple, having met on the show. It started innocently enough, they did a few sketches together, but soon their relationship bloomed. No mention was ever made of it on the show, out of respect, and fear of, you know, violence, death, that sort of thing.When the show ended, they were already living together, but both Bert and Ernie now found themselves out of work. Ernie decided to stay home, and look after the house, while Bert went out to find a job. He eventually did, at a toothpick factory, sticking warning labels on packets. He worked long hours, and would come home cranky and irritable. He turned to the bottle, and would usually arrive at work drunk. Unable to ignore it any longer, his new boss fired him when he turned up so wasted, he was carrying a pig under his arm, with the explanation of “bringing home the bacon”. Angry and upset he staggered home, and got into an argument with Ernie, which ended with Bert slapping Ernie. Ernie packed his bags, and left, Bert crying and pleading with him not to go all the while.
LAST SEEN – Ernie now writes a successful problems page for gay muppets in the New York Times. Bert cleaned himself up, and holds seminars on the effects of drinking in primary schools.

Big Bird –
One of the most popular cast members, it didn’t take Big Bird long to find work. He was recruited as a spokesperson for the environment by the Mayors Office in New York, and promised to “clean up Central Park”. Big Bird spent many years in office, but sadly died in 2039, when he ate some bad seed that exploded in his stomach. The newspapers ran headlines claiming he was assassinated; he was too close to something, and the CIA planted the seed, in order to get him out of the picture. Nothing was ever proven. A memorial bird bath was erected in Central Park, with the inscription “Made in Canada”. Makes you think…

The Count –
Personally I always liked The Count. I thought he was funny, and immensely quotable. Once the show ended, he spent a little time entering state fairs, counting the number of beans in a jar, that sort of thing. He even won occasionally. Prizes included a stuffed ferret, a lifetime supply of wienerschniztsel, and a small Pilipino child named Keith! Soon the thrill of competing died off, and he decided to embark on the biggest challenge of his career – counting the number of particles in his own body. He closed his eyes, and has never opened them since. He was found, hanging upside down in his dressing room, and all attempts to revive him failed.
LAST SEEN - He currently resides in Labtec Psychiatric Hospital, and just sits there quietly, his lips moving ever so slightly. Listen closely, dear friends, and you can hear him counting still.

Elmo –
It is no surprise to anyone reading this that Elmo become a crime lord once Sesame Street ended. He was already running a highly successful drugs syndicate among the crew, Grover being one of his regular customers. After the show was terminated, he scaled up his operations. Moving into armed weapons, he was easily able to establish contacts in the Middle East, and his slave labour factories began springing up all over Weston Super-Mare. Now making millions of dollars every year in illegitimate gains, he did the unthinkable – he bought out Microsoft, and his stranglehold on the world tightened. No one dares oppose him; he is now untouchable, kinda like MC Hammer. He’s a Reverend now you know.
LAST SEEN – No one sees him. NO ONE.

Mr Hooper –
He died during the show. You didn’t see that one?

This is only what could happen to some of the characters. It’s a horrid glimpse into the future isn’t it readers? However it is only one possible future. It doesn’t have to be like this. The only way to prevent it I suppose is to continue to watch Sesame Street, so the networks don’t dare take it off the air. And if it does happen, well, it might not turn out like this. Maybe…

The sport of kings.

I intend to use this blog to post all current articles, reviews and any other crimes against humanity through writing I choose. That being said, here is the first attack:

The New Zealand Story!

No, you haven’t traveled back to 1989. I speak of course, of the country of New Zealand. It’s not quite enough to strike fear into the hearts of grown men, but this innocent little country has a lot to answer for. Though many of us hadn’t even heard of it until The Lord of the Rings. Well you hadn’t, had you? I’ve recently come back from New Zealand and I’m going to share my experiences with you all. Let’s do it!

New Zealanders are a confused people –
New Zealanders are more commonly known to the rest of the world, and themselves, as Kiwi’s. Any country that considers their people a fruit, is asking for it. I jest of course; they are actually called Kiwi’s because of their native bird, which can’t fly. So they paint it on their air force jets.


New Zealanders like to try and kill themselves –
Everywhere you go in New Zealand, if you want to have “fun”, you must attempt to kill yourself, and pay to do so. Luckily, with the exchange rate of $47 NZ to one goat, it is much cheaper to do this than in the UK. Popular pastimes include skydiving (most popular amongst women, as you are strapped tightly to a good looking young man for the duration of the jump), Zorbing, where you get inside a giant inflated golf ball and roll down a large hill; bungee jumping, where you jump off a perfectly safe platform with an elastic band tied to your leg; and finally, Real Life Frogger (or RLF) where you ‘hop’ across a busy motorway to reach the other side, or ‘riverbank’. The National RLF championships are held once every four years, once they’ve built up the numbers a bit.

New Zealanders eat invisible fish –
I swear this is true. Every year, hundreds of fishermen sit at the side of rivers, with a net in the water facing the direction of the tide. Invisible fish, or ‘whitebait’ swim into the net, and are caught. Only when the net is emptied into a frying pan and the fish cooked, do they become white. They are then turned into pancakes, to be eaten. Some fishermen have used chemistry to increase their chances of a good catch, by covering themselves in fish pheromones and standing just behind the net. When asked how much this increased their haul, fishermen were heard to utter “Some.”

Rugby –
This is a warning: never, under any circumstances, talk to a New Zealander about rugby. I made the mistake of doing this while in Wellington, and only managed to escape thirty-one hours later by shouting “Look, an Australian is eating your dog!”. There is only one thing Kiwis love doing more than playing rugby, and that’s the chance to abuse an Ozzy. Or a Sharon. I asked a passing magician about this, and he replied “Well someone has to pay for Ramsey Street, don’t they?”

Wizards –
Forget Hogwarts. New Zealand has its own real life magician. He is the Christchurch Wizard, and he can be found in the town square, everyday, dispensing advice and the Big Issue. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass, so I asked him the question that has plagued mankind since the early nineties – just how DOES Kevin Costner keep getting work? The old man smiled at me, tapped his finger to his nose knowingly, and then sold me some postcards and a lucky rock. And do you know what? I haven’t been mauled by a giraffe since.

Maoris –
The Maori are the indigenous people of New Zealand, before ‘Whitey’ came along and stole all their land from them, due to a typo. Since then, the Maori people have accepted the White Man as just one of those things, and tried to live along side them. They did try eating them once or twice, but didn’t like the taste, and went back to Chocolate Digestives. The Maori people are very good at the national sport of rugby, and form 80% of the national team, the All Blacks. At each game, the team performs the Haka, which is designed to scare their opposition. In response, the white people perform the Fandango, which has thunderbolts and lightening and is very very frightening. Indeed.

So to conclude the New Zealanders are a simple, peaceful folk, until they get a leather bound ball in their hands, at which point an escape plan is necessary. I urge you to visit, and sample many of the delights I did. Also, try to find the answer to the question I could not: just where DID Peter Jackson’s weight go?P.S Before you ask, Old Zealand is off the coast of the Netherlands.